Inherited Beliefs
Chelsea Francis
As a marriage and family therapist, I often see how inherited or subconscious beliefs can become barriers in my client’s relationships with themselves and others. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I have also seen how distorted cognitions can impact those trying to become like Jesus Christ. Just as smudges on eyeglasses can impede eyesight, false traditions can make it difficult for us to experience the joy available to us through the Savior fully. One of my favorite scriptures is Mosiah 4:30, which emphasizes our need to “watch our thoughts, words and deeds.” We must prioritize awareness and intentionality in how we practice our faith, as we live in a world with endless information, perspectives, and teachings.
Sin
The first barrier that has been helpful for me to deconstruct has been my perspective on sin and my feelings about those who sin namely myself. Mosiah 3:19 states, “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord...” To be honest, this verse was a bit terrifying to me growing up as I had lots of ideas about what “the natural man” meant and often felt nervous about becoming an “enemy to God.” I often felt like I was avoiding sin instead of becoming like the Savior, and this avoidance began to rob me of essential experiences in my life, as well as leading to some compulsivity, as fear and shame often do. It was not until many years later that I realized that humans make mistakes-it’s what we do, and it is the plan for us to do so. The natural man comes into play after we have made a misstep and has more to do with how we react to our mistakes and who we become from the education of that experience.
I view the natural man as our primal brain whose only job is to keep us alive, avoid pain of any kind, and seek pleasure. And we are so grateful it does prioritize survival, or else none of us would be here. However, if we want to do more than just survive–to progress and become like our Savior–it requires us to go outside our comfort zone, face the pain of our mistakes, and learn from them through Jesus Christ. This realization has been monumental for me as someone who struggled with perfectionism for years (and still does at times) to reframe the natural man not as a human making a mistake but rather as a human who resists turning to Christ when they make a mistake. The most beautiful thing about this is there is no deadline for this turning towards Jesus Christ—sometimes it takes me weeks, months, or years to see my blind spots clearly and turn to the Savior for healing. Because of His Infinite Atonement, it is never too late to turn away from the natural man tendencies and turn toward Jesus Christ. The more we can turn to Him when we fall and be open to learning from our mistakes, the more we can focus on becoming like Him instead of simply “not sinning.”
Seeing ourselves in a more compassionate light when we falter is helpful in our ability to live the gospel and find joy in it, but it is only half of the equation. If our connection with God is shaky, it can feel very painful to turn to Them when we are most vulnerable. A talk at the most recent conference struck a chord with me and caused me to hear a story I have heard a thousand times in a different light. Sister Amy A. Wright’s talk, “Abide the Day in Christ,” referenced the story of the ten virgins. I remember rehearsing the familiar parable in my head as she told it, but I was surprised when the final words from the bridegroom were, “Ye know me not” and not “I know you not.”
For me, this was significant as it opened up my mind to the possibility that maybe the Savior was saying, “Why would you doubt that I would help you? Why would you turn away from me and search for outside help instead of trusting that I would never leave you helpless?” I always understood the story to mean that the bridegroom was angry with the five virgins because they didn’t prepare and have extra oil, but what if he was sad that they didn’t know him well enough to trust that he would never turn them away? This slight shift reflected the significant growth I have had about who I believe God to be. I realized that if I was not intentional about my relationship with my Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ, they could become murky and muddied from false traditions passed down generationally and societally, experiences in church with other humans who make mistakes like me, or with my relationships with my parents, who I love and respect and who are imperfect parents, just as I am with my children. I had to deconstruct the beliefs and ideas I had about who God was and how they felt about me. I had to consciously think about the type of God I felt worthy of my worship, one I felt I could turn to at any time, no matter how broken I felt. I had to expand my ideals about the capacity that God has to love me more perfectly and fully than I have experienced on this earth, and I have been loved very well by many wonderful people throughout my life.
This recognition made parables like the prodigal son come alive when I realized that our Heavenly Parents and Savior truly have their arms outstretched always, unconditionally, and are just hoping and waiting that we will choose to enter that embrace. I often think about how I feel about my children and husband and realize that my absolute love for them does not even hold a candle to how God feels about each of his children.
Belonging
The second obstacle to explore is the belief about what it means to ‘belong” at church. I don’t know if you have ever struggled with feeling like you don’t “fit the mold” or had thoughts that you don’t measure up in some way when you come to church, but I have, and it’s a lonely feeling. I have swung to both extremes throughout my life, sometimes hustling to check all the boxes to feel like I “fit in” and then becoming apathetic, overwhelmed, and burnt out. The metaphor of the body of Christ has been significant to me as I have made the conscious decision that I belong at church—to show up authentically and genuinely as myself and not feel ashamed of being wherever I am on my spiritual journey toward Jesus Christ.
In 1 Corinthians 12:13, we read, “For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit.” Each of us represents an integral part of the body of Christ. Just as with our physical bodies, we do not function at the highest capacity unless we have full functionality and presence of all body parts. Instead of trying to become like another person or metaphorical body part, I have shifted into realizing the innate value that each person on earth brings to the table, including you and me, and decided to show up at church as me, especially when I am broken, sprained, depleted or raw. Just like the human body compensates when one part is wounded, each of us can lift and help out when one of our brothers or sisters is in need to allow them time to heal. Seeing each person as an integral part of the body of Christ has expanded my ability to love and appreciate all the unique gifts and perspectives that each person has to offer, whether they attend church or not. Having differing opinions and perspectives in our meetings strengthens us as a people. It creates greater empathy and compassion, which is mandatory for each person who walks into our building to find the true joy that comes from living the teachings of Jesus Christ.
Joy
The last mental barrier I would like to explore is the belief that living the gospel of Jesus Christ equates to feeling joy all the time. My mind turned to 2 Nephi 2:25, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” This scripture feels something of a paradox as Adam and Eve were cast out of the garden into a world with “thorns and thistles” so that we might be, and in this world of thorns and thistles, we are to find joy. This is meaningful because it differentiates joy from short-term pleasures or painless living. True, lasting joy comes from finding meaning in difficult circumstances and understanding and prioritizing what is truly valuable and important. A life free from pain, sacrifice, or discomfort might sound nice, and while we all need times like that, I think the joy God is referring to is a willingness to sacrifice short-term pleasure and convenience for long-term growth and wholeness.
In Alma 41:10, Alma teaches Corianton that “wickedness never was happiness,” which I think in the long term is very true. But also, not all unhappiness is wickedness, and I think to find true joy in the gospel, we have to wade through times of pain, discomfort, and grief. Love is the beating heart of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and when we love deeply, we feel grief when we see others in pain or lose loved ones during this mortal experience. Questions or doubts can feel distressing and destabilizing. Still, these can be critical developmental milestones on our path toward Jesus Christ as they can develop trust and faith in Him. Sacrificing our time or money, going outside of our comfort zone to help someone in need, or behaving in ways opposite to what the world prescribes are all experiences that can feel challenging. These examples show that living the gospel of Jesus Christ fully means wading through times of suffering and discomfort and busts the myth that becoming like Jesus Christ means feeling joy at all times. True joy is found when we choose to prioritize growth over comfort, love over hate, and when we choose to turn to the Savior when we feel broken and overwhelmed.
The gospel of Jesus Christ in its truest, simplest form has brought me deep meaning, fulfillment, and joy as I clean off the smudges from my spiritual glasses to see the Savior as He really is and to see you and me as we truly are. It has focused my energy and time on growth over comfort, love, and understanding over hatred and divisiveness, and to live life more from a state of faith instead of fear. Of course, I fall off the course endlessly–but that’s the point of the gospel–to continually learn, grow, and get back to the path toward our loving and compassionate Jesus. Although I don’t know many things, I believe that our Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ love me and love you to a degree that is way beyond our understanding and comprehension and that it is a love that cannot be severed by how imperfect we feel we are. When I choose to access that love, it magnifies the love I feel for His children, and this causes my heart to reach out to comfort and mourn with my brothers and sisters and to turn to Him when I falter. This is my testimony, and this simple belief has gotten me through the deepest and darkest of my days on earth and caused me to feel the joy that is unmatched by any other mortal experience. I am forever grateful for the joy and meaning I have received through trying to live the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Chelsea Francis is a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (LAMFT) and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) working with individuals, couples, and families at Therapy with Heart in Scottsdale, Arizona, to create more secure and meaningful relationships in their lives. She graduated from Arizona State University with a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She absolutely loves spending time with her husband of 16 years, Brad, and with their three daughters. Chelsea enjoys teaching the women in her religious community each month and feels passionate about providing a safe environment to explore cultural roadblocks and barriers that interfere with their ability to connect with God.